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Only up from here

2 ½ years into my recovery my sponsor told me, “just because you do work on yourself doesn’t mean you won’t feel pain from your past”. That week I had completed training over safeguarding children for work and saw myself as a little girl who once lived in similar circumstances. I was confused and baffled, on how I could be feeling so uncomfortable and sad about past situations when I had spent years working on my past traumas.

When I was in rehab I had started reading about codependency, boundaries, trauma, and domestic violence. I wanted to know why I was the person I was, why the situations happened to me, I was curious and confused! I attended counseling, mutual aid, EMDR sessions, and so on. After leaving rehab after 90 days and on a flight to England I still was emotionally and mentally ill. Still seeking validation, selfish, feeling incompetent, and lost within myself. There was still A LOT of work to be done.

Around 10 months into my recovery I had a full-on breakdown with my mother. I expressed how I wanted our relationship to be better and I wanted everything to be good… She said, “Calliese, when you start to actually do some work on yourself and start making changes, then things will start to get better”.

That day something in me shifted… I started to actually make an effort, which consisted of:

  • Associating with people/places with a recovery focus

  • Finding and engaging in groups/activities

  • Self-care

  • Education

  • Honest conversations with family

  • Counseling

  • Discovering who I was

  • Support for domestic violence

  • Understanding Trauma

  • Working with my sponsor

  • Different groups for hobbies, spirituality etc

FINALLY, things were looking up, I was doing well mentally and emotionally, my family relations were better and I was actually achieving goals I had set for myself. I had acceptance for who I was and what I had been through.

More will be revealed✨

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