It’s Not About the Butter

What everyday reactions can teach us about recovery coaching, self-awareness, and change

I walked into the kitchen, opened the white ceramic butter tray, and saw there was only a tiny sliver left.

He was in the kitchen. He had made dinner.

So I said, “Hey, in future, if you notice we’re almost out of butter, can you please fill it up?”

He responded, “Well, I’m not finished yet.”

In my frustration, I set the butter tray on the island in front of him and said, “Here’s the butter tray since you said you weren’t done yet.”

He got activated and walked away.

And I’ll be honest. I knew what I was doing.

I could have just said, “Hey, can you please fill up the butter tray when you notice it’s low? It frustrates me when these little things get left.”

But I didn’t. I made a comment.

I placed the butter tray in front of him.

I used the object to speak for the part of me that did not want to speak clearly.

I was being passive-aggressive.

And that is the part we do not always like to admit.

Because sometimes the darker parts of ourselves do not show up as something dramatic or cruel. Sometimes they show up as a tone. A look. A comment. A small action designed to make another person feel the frustration we have not yet taken responsibility for.

When Small Things Carry Big Feelings

The truth is, it was never really about the butter.

Which is unfortunate, because butter really did not ask to be involved in my emotional development that day.

What wasn’t visible in that moment was that for months, little things had been building up in me.

• The toilet paper was empty, and nobody replaced it.

• The trash was full, and nobody took it out.

• The butter tray was nearly empty, and nobody filled it.

None of these moments were huge on their own.

But they were stacking up quietly in the background until eventually something small cracked and ended up carrying the weight of everything else.

And that is the thing about being human.

Sometimes we think we are reacting to what is right in front of us, but really we are reacting to what has been building underneath the surface for far longer than we realize.

And small moments are rarely small when they land on something already a little tender.

The Omelettes Were Not About Eggs Either

I have seen this in myself before.

A couple of years ago, it was my night to cook. Someone suggested omelettes, so I went around the house asking who wanted one and what they wanted in it.

Everyone said they weren’t hungry.

So I was getting ready to make omelettes for my son and I when my mom walked in and said, “Calliese, if it’s just y’all eating, you can do something simple like sandwiches”.

So I said okay and made sandwiches.

Later that night, I went downstairs to get a drink and found my mom and her husband in the kitchen… Guess what they were cooking. Omelettes.

Grilled onions in the air. Smoke rising to the ceiling.

And something in me got activated immediately.

I was angry. Not mildly annoyed. Angry.

I cannot remember exactly what I said, but I know I was mad.

The next day, my mom and I were on the road for a work trip, and she brought it up. By then, I had some space to reflect. And I could see more clearly that again I wasn’t reacting to that moment but something older, not from my current home... but my childhood home, where I was raised by others.

I remembered moments in my childhood where the adults had the “good food”.

• Juicy steaks on their plates.

• Creamy mashed potatoes.

• Macaroni and cheese.

• A cold, crisp Coca-Cola.

And we, the kids, had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with tap water.

Somewhere in me, that old meaning had stayed alive: You are not good enough for the good stuff.

So when I saw the omelettes, my reaction was not really about eggs.

Though, to be fair, the onions were doing the most.

But underneath that moment was something much deeper.

It was about an old feeling. An old conclusion. An old story I had come to believe about myself. An old wound that had found a new moment to speak through.

Luckily, I had enough awareness to apologize to my mom.

And she said something I think I needed to hear, even as an adult: “Let me make it clear. You are allowed to eat whatever you want in this household.”

It sounds simple. Maybe even a little silly.

But sometimes healing sounds like being given permission for something you did not realize you still felt excluded from.

What the Moment Revealed, Not Just What Happened

This is why I think this matters in recovery coaching, and honestly, in all relationships.

Because sometimes it is not about the butter.

Sometimes it is not about the omelettes.

And unfortunately, sometimes breakfast food becomes the crime scene for our unresolved emotional material.

But really, it is about everything else.

It is about what has been building. It is about what got touched.

It is about what the moment revealed, not just what happened.

That distinction is important.

Because if we only focus on what happened, we might miss what the person is actually responding to.

And if we only focus on the reaction, we might miss what the reaction is trying to reveal. What story has been left unheard?

And this is where good coaching comes in.

Good Coaching Leads to Choice

Coaching teaches us that the behaviour is rarely the whole story.

A good coach does not get stuck at the surface of the behaviour. They get curious about what sits underneath it. What’s this REALLY about?

Not: “Why did you overreact?” But:

• “What was going on within you?”

• “What were you needing and not getting?”

• “What got activated within you?”

• “What was this really about?”

• “What could you have done differently?”

Those kinds of questions change everything.

Because coaching is not about excusing the reaction.

It is about understanding what the reaction is revealing.

Understanding where my reaction came from does not mean I was right in how I handled it. It just means I had more information about what was happening inside me.

And that information is transformational, because awareness gives us a choice.

And choice leads to change.

Reactions and Self-Awareness in Coaching

When we can slow down enough to see what is really happening, we move from reaction to awareness.

From blame to understanding. From acting out the wound to actually hearing it.

• Sometimes that awareness leads to an apology.

• Sometimes it leads to a boundary.

• Sometimes it leads to grief.

• Sometimes it simply leads to truth.

But whatever it leads to, it usually takes us somewhere deeper than the butter tray. And maybe that is part of the work. To learn that our reactions are often messengers.

Not always accurate.

Not always fair.

Not always proportionate.

But often revealing.

They show us where something is still a little tender.

Where something old is still asking to be seen.

The Work Beneath the Reaction

As coaches, helpers, leaders, parents, partners, and general human beings, this matters. If we do not learn to notice what is happening inside us, we may keep making other people responsible for feelings they did not create.

We may punish the person in front of us for a story that started long before them.

We may call it communication, when really it is resentment leaking sideways.

We may call it honesty, when really it is hurt, looking for somewhere to land.

So maybe the invitation is not to shame ourselves for reacting.

Maybe the invitation is to get a little curious.

Because sometimes the butter tray is not the issue.

It is just the place where everything unspoken finally lands. (Poor butter tray. Wrong place, wrong time.)

And the work is learning to notice it before we make someone else carry what we have not yet named.

"Owning our stories is standing in our truth."- Brené Brown

Calliese Alexandra Conner

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At Recovery Coach Academy, we provide recovery coach training, professional development, and organisational consulting that helps individuals, professionals, and teams build the skills beneath meaningful support: listening, questioning, self-awareness, boundaries, trust, and treating people as the resource they already are.

To explore training or consulting for yourself, your team, or your organisation, get in touch today!

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What does “it’s not about the butter” mean?

It’s not about the butter” means the visible issue is often carrying something deeper. A small reaction may reveal unmet needs, old stories, resentment, stress, or emotions that have been building beneath the surface.

How does this relate to recovery coaching?

Recovery coaching helps people slow down, reflect, and notice what may be influencing their choices. It is not about diagnosing or fixing. It is about listening well, asking useful questions, and treating the person as the resource in their own life.

Why is self-awareness important in recovery coaching?

Self-awareness helps people notice their reactions, understand their needs, and choose how they want to respond. In recovery coaching, awareness is often the bridge between reaction and change.