Wild Horses: Why Trust Beats Control in Leadership and Life
- Calliese Alexandra Conner
- Sep 23
- 4 min read
The other night, in a conversation that seemed ordinary until it wasn’t, my 12-year-old looked up and said:
“I’m like a horse that works better with no reins.”
It stopped me. The more I sat with it, the more I realised how much wisdom was tucked into those words. He wasn’t talking about horses. He was naming something many of us spend our lives circling around, unlearning and relearning: people don’t flourish under control, but they do when there is room for freedom, autonomy and trust.
The Shadow of Control: Why Leaders Hold On Too Tight
Let’s be honest: reins are often more about the leader’s fear than the team’s capacity. Leaders hold tight because letting go feels risky. What if they fail? What if things slow down? What if it reflects badly on me?
The tighter the grip, the greater the risk of burnout, turnover, and disengagement. The very outcomes leaders fear, they create. Modern life is drowning in reins that we’ve normalized. In our world, reins look like:
Workplaces that track outcomes and log-in times in the name of productivity and accountability.
Schools that standardize conformity, squeezing curiosity out of children.
Governments often expand surveillance under the guise of safety.
Leaders who confuse micromanagement with care.
Control soothes the one holding the reins. And it’s disguised as protection, however, it suffocates. That’s the dark side: we trade trust for compliance, confuse safety with stagnation, and shrink people by oversteering their lives.
The paradox: Our ability or inability to trust is more about us than the other.
And the cost? Creativity collapses. Trust withers. People forget the strength of their own stride.
Control soothes the leader. Trust liberates the people.
Lessons from Wild Horses: Trust Over Control
A wild horse without reins doesn’t run chaotic, it simply runs. It looks like:
Direction, not scripting every step.
Partnership, not domination.
Standards with dignity, not surveillance with spin.
Coaching, not confinement.
Believing people are experts in their own work, not projects to be managed.
Freedom with responsibility.
What my son was really saying was simple and radical: “I know how to move myself.” That’s self-leadership. And the healthiest families, teams, and communities are built when leaders create space for that inner authority to flourish.
Gallup’s decades of workplace research confirm that autonomy and trust are key drivers of engagement, innovation, and resilience. When employees trust their leaders, about 50% are engaged, compared to just 8% when trust is absent (Gallup, 2022).
Loosening the Reins: How to Lead with Trust
This isn’t about dropping the reins entirely; it’s about holding them differently. Real leadership, whether in parenting, coaching, classrooms, or boardrooms, looks like this:
Set direction, not every step. Define the destination, then give people the road.
Empower decisions. If someone is close enough to do the work, they’re close enough to choose how.
Match rhythm to reality. Forced pace breaks stride. Honoured pace builds flow.
Hold accountability with dignity. Consequences exist, but without shaming or domination.
In recovery coaching, we live this truth every day: we don’t steer someone’s life. We walk alongside. We honour the person as the expert in their own journey. And isn’t it interesting how the very skills and principles we teach in recovery coaching, listening, trust, resilience, autonomy, align with the greatest forms of leadership? The same stance holds everywhere: people rise when they’re trusted to.
The Charge: A Call for Braver Leadership
Here’s what this metaphor of wild horses really teaches us:
People work best when believed in. The best leaders create other leaders.
Self-leadership is the point. The healthiest teams are full of individuals who can take initiative, set a good pace, exercise sound judgment, and accept responsibility.
Trust feels risky, but it liberates. It is not the absence of leadership; it’s the soil in which leadership grows.
Control is an illusion. The horse carries the power. The reins only make the rider feel safer.
Stephen R. Covey said it plainly: “Trust is the highest form of human motivation; it brings out the very best in people.”
Sometimes the most powerful leadership isn’t about gripping harder. It’s about believing in the strength that was already there.
If we want bigger futures, we need braver hands.
Let the horses run.
Calliese Alexandra Conner
Reflections:
Where are you holding the reins too tightly? Whose natural stride are you flattening with your fear, your urgency, your systems?
And what might come alive, at work, at home, in your community, if you loosened one rein this week?
References:
Gallup. (2022, October 6). Trust in leaders is declining: Here’s what to do about it. Gallup. https://www.gallup.com/workplace/393401/trust-decline-rebuild.aspx
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What does the “wild horse” metaphor teach about leadership?
It shows that people thrive with trust and autonomy, not micromanagement.
Why is control harmful for leaders and teams?
Control comforts the leader but suffocates the team, creating compliance instead of commitment.
How can leaders practice trust instead of control?
By setting direction, empowering decisions, honoring natural pace, and holding accountability with dignity.
What is the link between recovery coaching and leadership?
Both prioritize trust and autonomy, treating people as experts in their own lives.
What is the biggest takeaway from the Wild Horses article?
That true leadership is about believing in people and their potential.
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